When I'm Gone
by SormustenHerra
Summary: Dealing with the death of loved one is hard, even for Kono. It makes you cry, it makes you feel stupid and guilty. But you get over it, that's what they say. Wish it would be that easy, but it never is. Sequel to 'Without You Ilman Sua'


**A/N: Hi there, and welcome to read 'When I'm Gone'. This is kind of a sequel to story: '**_**Without you (Ilman Sua) **_**' so, you might wanna read that first, but I'm sure that you will be able to understand this even if you haven't read it. **

**But, to the actual thing, this story is really important to me since it helps **_**me **_**to come up with the fact that someone close to me had died. These feelings that Kono has aren't what I feel, since we are two different people. But this helps me, and I hope that it helps some of you too, so ENJOY!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hawaii Five-O 2010**

**When I'm Gone**

_And when I'm gone just carry on, don't mourn._

_Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice._

_Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling and not feeling a thing._

_So, baby, don't feel my pain just smile back._

_-Eminem, When I'm Gone_

Kono woke up screaming. It was the same dream again, the dream where she saw Chin dying over and over again. Every night. She tried to recall her breath but found it impossible when she started to cry. She wasn't a girl to cry, but losing her cousin had taken the most of her. She didn't show it to Danny or Steve, she hadn't cried once with them being there, but every day when she came home, closed her door and walked to the nearest room and saw picture of her and Chin on the table, she broke down.

She rose up from her bed, still sobbing, and walked to that table and took the picture to her hands. She couldn't stand it. There Chin was smiling to him, they both where, no worry in the world. Why couldn't everything just be like it used to be? Why couldn't Chin be here with her? Why had he left her?

The first few days Kono had almost been angry to Chin. Angry that he had left her here, all alone. The world seemed so empty without him here and she wasn't so happy to go to work anymore. First, she had almost wished, hoped, that Chin would walk normally in from the door, like he hadn't gone anywhere. But that never happened. It would never happen. He was gone, and he was not coming back.

Kono walked the picture in her hand to her closet. She needed to get out of here. Out of her home, to outside. She took out her clothes, dressed up and walked to the dark Hawaii night. It was 3 in the morning, but still some people were walking along the streets. She let her legs carry her, without really thinking where she was going. She put hood over her head and let the tears continue their free falling.

The steps took her away, and soon they were the only sound she heard, and after a while they, too came distand. She could hear his voice in her mind's eye, she could see his smile, the one that she loved so much, _like there was nothing wrong, like everything was okay. _No! Everything was wrong! He wasn't here anymore…he was gone, he was somewhere…somewhere she couldn't go…even though she so much wanted. She had loved him, she still loved him…she loved his cousin, that famous smile, the fun jokes and even that serious and dark side in him. The one that came to him when he had lost his job…and even when he was dead, he was understood wrong. No one believed in him, no one believed that he was a good person.

Kono looked around her, finally, after a long walk. And where did she find herself? It was Chin's house. She was standing there, at the driveway where the house was located. She hadn't been inside after he…after he died. Slowly Kono started to walk towards the house, all the time singing with quiet and sad voice. "_You know where you've sent her, you sure know where you are…_" she singed and took step after step. She came to door and silently raised her hand to touch the dark wood. She silently slid her hand among it and finally took the key from her pocket, which was among her owns, and opened the door. "_You're trying to ease off, but you know you won't get far…_" She stepped inside and looked around.

"_And now she's up there, sings like an angel…"_ she continued the song. She walked to living room, all the while sliding her hand among the walls, just so that she could feel his presence. "_But you can't hear those words…_" She walked to the cabinet where all pictures were in frames. There was Chin's father's picture who had died when Chin had been thirteen. Then there was his mom, she too had died, Chin had been 19. Then there was Chin's little sister who had left to Mainland as soon as possible. Then there was Chin's older brother who had killed himself when he was 18, Chin had been 17 by then. Kono started to feel even more horrible. Chin had lost everyone he loved, his whole family, the reason in his life, already at the age of 19 when his sister had left. Kono had heard that she didn't visit often and Kono had seen her only once after she left.

Kono looked the next picture. It was picture of all of the cousin's from Kono's side of the family. There were seventeen of them. It seemed so long ago, and it was. The picture had started to turn yellow after the years. Kono missed it, the time when everything was okay and they were just children with no worry in the world. Kono wiped her hair out of the way and wiped the tears that went down her face, but it didn't help since more tears followed after them.

She opened the cabinet and took a look around the drawer. There were old photo albums. Kono opened one of them and saw the old pictures of Chin and his family when Chin was young. That too, seemed like a lifetime ago. Even though Kono hadn't known Chin as he was a kid - since Chin was so much older… by 11 years - had Chin always played with her and Kono had always looked up to him.

Kono flipped through the photo albums and felt herself crying always more and more. The pages and pictures got wet from her tears, but she didn't care. The pictures were most of some family meeting like birthdays and weddings. After many albums and many hours had Kono ran out of tears.

The morning sun started to show through the windows and showed all the dust around the house. Kono didn't notice this, she was too busy going through the memories. Then she came across one album, the one that hadn't been finished and had many empty pages left. When she looked the pictures she knew the reason the album had never came full. Chin's family had left him all alone and been ashamed to share his blood. He hadn't been invited to birthdays, weddings, or anything else that had been reason for family meeting. Kono started to cry again the silent tears. She felt so angry. How could they have left him? Kono was almost the only family that had been on his side all the time, who believed him. How could they not see that Chin would never take money or steal from anyone? She knew Chin and knew without him saying it that he hadn't done it.

Chin had drifted slowly away from the rest of his family, who had believed that he had done nothing wrong. But Chin, being himself, had parted from them so they wouldn't have to suffer about what people though he had done. He didn't want that people thought differently about his family and would doubt their loyalty just because they were related to him. And Kono hated that too. She hadn't cared what other people thought, he would still be her cousin. Would always be. Kono wouldn't care even if he had killed someone, it was still Chin, and being him, the only reason Chin would do something like that was because he was protecting his family. So that's what Kono hated, that Chin though that drifting away from them would help them. But he was wrong, he was only making it worse. They didn't want him to disappear, they wanted him there, with them, to share those good, happy moments, to be part of the family. Just be there. Even though that wasn't what all of them thought, but it was enough. There was enough of those in the family that though Chin was innocent, or wouldn't care either way. That would be reason enough to share those important moments.

The funereal would be soon. Kono wondered if Chin's sister – Ae Cha – would be there. She wondered what it would be like to her to bury the last family member of the family that she shared all her childhood. It would be hard, Kono knew that. It was hard enough for her too. But it would be okay, right? That's what everyone kept saying. But it wouldn't be. The sorrow doesn't disappear, ever, it only changes its form.

Kono felt herself crying again. Why did she have to keep thinking these things. Things that made it only harder to forget, harder to get over it. Maybe it was because she didn't want to get over it, she didn't want to forget. She wanted to feel the pain, the same pain that Chin had felt. No, she would never forget, she would never forgive, she would never let it go past her, it would never disappear.

"_Hi Chin" Kono said and smiled while giving her cousin a hug._

"_Hi there Kono", Chin said and hugged her back. "How are you doing?"_

"_Good, just busy." Kono said. Chin was quiet, he didn't say anything. "Chin, what's wrong?" Kono asked. His cousin looked to be thinking what to say._

"_You may not understand this now Kono, but you have to remember this and you have to listen, okay?"_

"_What is it Chin? What are you talking about?" Kono asked frowning._

"_You have to get over it Kono. You have to get over it so you can go on with your life."_

"_Get over what?" Kono asked . "I don's under-" But Chin cut her off._

"_You can't end up like my mother when my brother killed himself. You can't end up like her."_

"_Chin, I don't understand", Kono tried in depressed voice._

"_You will soon Kono", Chin said and smiled._

Kono woke up. She looked around and found out that she had fallen asleep on the couch. On Chin's couch. That was when she remembered. The dream. The dream where Chin was. Kono almost laughed in irony. Even when sleeping, her own mind was trying to get her change her mind. Maybe she was going insane.

She rose to her feet and heard a little 'thud' when something fell down from the sofa. When she looked to the matt on the floor she noticed it being a frame. Taking it to her hands she saw her watching a young Ae Cha. Kono smiled. The first real smile in a long time. Maybe Chin really was gone, but at least Kono had someone who would understand her, someone who was feeling exactly like she did. She wouldn't be alone, even if Chin was gone. She wouldn't forget, she wouldn't forgive, but she would go on, even though the feeling would never disappear. It would come easier to deal with, but it would always hurt. It would always hurt, but it would always hurt less and less.

**The End**

**A/N: Thank you for reading, hope all of you enjoyed. So please, if you came this far, leave a comment.**

**Thanks, **

_**-SomrustenHerra**_


End file.
